


Bananas, Cream, Butter, Carrots, Pigeons

by lalejandra



Category: lotrips
Genre: M/M, Transformative Works Welcome, Wings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-17
Updated: 2004-04-17
Packaged: 2019-07-14 10:11:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16038320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalejandra/pseuds/lalejandra
Summary: "People don't grow wings.""I don't know that he grew them -- maybe they grew onto him."





	Bananas, Cream, Butter, Carrots, Pigeons

Elijah's wings are yellow.

Yellow like tulips. Bananas. Yellow like... Cream. Butter. Dye made from carrots. Dye made from carrots used to dye butter made from cream.

They're covered in feathers, which Elijah insists makes him look like a canary and Dom insists makes him look like a barnyard chick. When he says this, Elijah gets annoyed and huffs, and they end up wrestling, which ends, always, with them fucking.

The last time, they fucked on Orlando's bed, during a party Viggo threw without even asking first.

"Little brother, it's your _birthday_ ," Viggo had said.

Billy had grinned, toasted Viggo with a bottle of brown Kiwi beer, and had said, "Yeah, mate, it's your birthday."

Orlando wasn't sure why he had been so annoyed that there was a party -- maybe he'd wanted to do something else that evening, and now he'd never know. And he hadn't liked the noise, and that particular evening the smell of cigarette smoke had been making him feel sick, and he. Just. Was. Irritated.

Billy's smile, though, made it all a bit easier. Billy had pulled him into the W.C., handed him a joint of massive proportions and said, "Happy birthday."

*

So Orlando hadn't minded that Elijah and Dom fucked on his bed, except Elijah's wings shed yellow feathers that got caught in his hair, made him sneeze, and wouldn't be vacuumed up.

Billy makes tea the next morning, and Orlando says, "I think Elijah would look better with black wings."

"Nah," says Billy. "Black's too dramatic. He'd look like he was trying too hard."

"Blue then."

"To match his eyes?" Billy snorts, turns the page of the paper. "I wish he'd stop poncing about with those bloody things. He looks ridiculous."

Orlando leans against his counter and studies Billy. "Brown. I'd give you brown wings."

Billy doesn't even look up. "I'd rather you give me a blow job."

Orlando crosses the room and drops to his knees.

*

Elijah has grey wings now, and is more hyper than ever. Orlando goes to talk to PJ, because obviously no one else is going to.

"I like them," says PJ. "I think they add new depth to Frodo."

"What happened to Tolkien and the purity of the word and all that rot?" asks Orlando. It's not that he's jealous of Elijah, it's _not_ that _he_ wants wings -- it's that he doesn't fucking get it. The whole world's gone mad. "There was no Velcro in Tolkien."

"We don't know that there was no Velcro." PJ hands him a stack of papers. "More Elvish for you and Aragorn."

"Peej, we know how many times every day each Hobbit took a bloody crap!" says Orlando. "I think J.R.R. would have told us if Frodo Velcroed on grey wings and pretended they were growing from his back!"

"We've written them in as a gift from -- "

Billy throws an arm around Orlando's waist. "Come on, Legolas. Let's practice your Elvish."

PJ waves them away, and goes off muttering about Sauron.

"I bet he'll give Sauron wings next. Can't you see it? A bloody big eye with -- "

Billy flicks his Elf-ear -- gently, so that Orlando doesn't have to go back to makeup, which Orlando appreciates. He says, "Shh. Come on, we have some time before we start."

*

Dom says he thinks maybe Elijah is a bird. Orlando says, "But he's got boy bits," and everyone laughs. Orlando was only half kidding.

Billy's hand is on Orlando's thigh under the table. Viggo is smirking, his arm around Bean -- or just hanging on the back of the booth. Orlando can't tell. Viggo is certainly not sane, but he's not as mad as Elijah and Dom. Orlando wonders what Astin thinks about this whole situation.

Orlando wonders if maybe Elijah's gone stark, raving, bugfuck mad. Or maybe the whole world has gone stark, raving, bugfuck mad.

What does it mean to be bugfuck anyway?

Elijah won't eat anything anymore, except bugs and worms and bread and fish, and that is sick. Everyone watches in fascination as Elijah slurps up another worm.

"Gagh," says Viggo, and Elijah's lower lip trembles.

"Hey, man, back off," says Dom.

Viggo raises his eyebrows. "It's a Klingon delicacy. It has the appearance of worms and is best eaten alive."

Orlando puts his hand on Billy's thigh and whispers in Billy's ear, "Let's go," and Billy smiles at him.

"Let's take Viggo," says Billy. Orlando is a bit taken aback -- he didn't think Viggo was like that. He says as much to Billy, and Billy replies, "Everyone is like that for you, Orli."

Sure enough, Viggo stops talking about _Star Trek_ and the poetry of deep space and how to paint light long enough to give Billy a quick nod. Orlando thinks maybe Viggo doesn't care about him, but was just waiting for Billy to be interested.

Maybe not, but he does make Billy scream before he starts on Orlando.

*

Peter and Elijah are arguing. In fact, everyone is arguing with Elijah. His wings hit the makeup girls when they're trying to put on his wig. His wings interfere with his costume, his scale double -- everything. Dom is standing behind him, petting the wings while Peter rips up pages of script.

Orlando watches from the cuntebego, Aragorn a comforting presence on one side, Pippin on the other. Orlando looks at Billy. "What do you think is going to happen?"

"Maybe the same thing that happened with Stuart," sighs Billy. "That was a right cock up."

"But you got me," says Viggo. He's examining his fingers; he picks up some dirt from the ground at their feet, rubs it onto his leathers, his hands. It's dry and crumbling. Orlando shudders and steps a bit away from him. Legolas does not have dust in his hair or on his clothes.

"Aye, we got you, you big poof." Bean knocks Viggo upside the head on his way out of the cuntebego, and Viggo trips him, pushes him, sends him sprawling. In moments they're embroiled in a full-fledged brawl, worthy of a dark pub on a rainy night -- or so Orlando would imagine, having never been in a pub brawl on a rainy night.

But it seems to fit. Billy is giggling, Astin is clucking, and no one except Orlando seems to notice when Peter reaches out, and rips the wings off Elijah. Everyone notices when Elijah falls to the ground screaming, and Peter is left holding the lumpy grey mass, Velcro shoulder straps dangling.

Orlando thinks it looks obscene.

Nobody goes to help Elijah. Not even Astin.

*

Dom and Elijah go off for a week after that; Billy keeps Orlando in the Hobbit loop, so Orli knows Dom convinced Elijah they were going to celebrate their anniversary.

"Anniversary of what?" asks Astin. "We've only known each other for a few months!"

"Anniversary of Elijah losing his nut," says Billy. He lifts a pint. "Cheers."

Drink mugs clink together, and no one talks about Elijah for the rest of the night. Or for the rest of the week. Orlando and John and Viggo don't have the week off -- and they film Bean's death scene without Elijah.

"We'll plug him in later," says Fran, waving a hand. "Don't ask Peter about it."

Orlando is a bit hacked off. Only a child star would pull this sort of stunt, and only a child star could get away with it. Nothing in the tabloids about Elijah Wood's break from reality -- nothing about how he thinks he's a bloody bird, ordered wings off the internet, insisted everyone pretend they're real. Nothing anywhere about it, not even on TORn or -- or anyplace, according to Sir Ian.

It's not that Orlando wishes ill on Elijah, it's just that Elijah is absolutely stark raving mad, and no one seems to notice.

*

When Elijah and Dom get back, Elijah's wings are gone. Dom is somber. Elijah pretends nothing happened. The set goes back to what passed for normal the first few weeks -- Elijah goes back to being Frodo all the time. PJ called Bean back to refilm a few scenes, edited the wings out of the others with some sort of magical computer technology, and that... that was that.

Billy tells Orlando what happened one night, while rubbing liniment into his scars.

"Seems like they were walking on the beach and they were attacked by seagulls." Billy is snickering, but Orlando feels badly for Elijah.

"It must be horrible to be so fucking crazy." Orlando closes his eyes, drops his neck, and Billy runs a hand over it, moves his fingers around to rub the sharp, burning ointment into Orlando's nipples.

Orlando gasps, and Billy snickers some more. "You're so easy," he says, and does it again. Orlando arches up.

"Don't say anything to Elijah," he continues. "He's apparently very sensitive about it and would rather pretend the whole thing didn't happen."

Orlando shifts, twists, and turns under Billy. He wraps a hand around Billy's cock, and Billy's eyes unfocus. "Don't worry," says Orlando. "If I'd gone crazy, I wouldn't want anyone to talk to me about it either."

"Dom says he wasn't quite crazy." Billy thrusts into Orlando's hand, falls forward. Against Orlando's mouth he says, "Where the wings used to be are scars."

Orlando pulls a little harder on Billy's cock. "People don't grow wings."

"I don't know that he grew them," admits Billy. "Maybe they grew onto -- him -- like -- chickens -- in -- wire -- god, Orli -- "

Billy comes onto Orlando's chest, and Orlando uses it to slick Billy's hole and push in. He's tired of talking about Elijah. If Elijah, who seemed like the most normal bloke, could go nutters, anyone could. Next time it could be Orlando himself.

Orlando's solution was to roll over until he was on top of Billy, pushing Billy's legs up and back, and remember when they brought Viggo back with them, and Viggo had pushed into Orlando while he was pushing into Billy, and, oh, god, the pressure --

  


**Author's Note:**

> This is a remix of [Fledgling](http://www.dombillijah.com/users/nova/fic/fledging.html) by [Nova](http://www.dombillijah.com/users/nova/rps.html) for the second wave of the lotrips remix-a-thon, or whatevah. It's lies about lies.


End file.
